Sleep, Thank GOODNESS!

I slept pretty good last night. Its nighttime again I hope it happens again tonight. It would be a much needed blessing.
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Like my mother

I took this picture by mistake but I remind myself of old pictures when my mother used to wear scarves with one braid coming out the front of it. She wore that style for many years.
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Amazing...

The sun rises and sets everyday without fail, that's how I know that God is real. All of this is not by chance- India Aire
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Video Chat

Video chatting with my niece. She the greatest!
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My poor son in casts

He absolutely hates being stuck in a position where he can't do anything , especially run. That's the major focus of his life. Running around, causing havoc for the rest of the family. Lol. Poor thing.
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Grateful Sun

I refused to cut the television off last night. It was my security. It was a false sense of security, but it protected me all the same. The sounds blaring from the box let me know that I was still alive.

I had trouble sleeping as usual. Nothing new right? Although this time I kept dreaming of the Sun. I couldn't wait to see the Sun this morning. When I got a chance to see the Sun this morning, I knew I was good.

I was lying on the couch. Eyes closed. When I opened my eyes. I saw the sun shining through the window. I looked over to my right a while. Thankful for the Sun's brightest rays. Then it was if the Sun was telling me YOU'RE WELCOME because it instantly shined brighter. No kidding.
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Blindsided Too,

Watching a documentary called Blindsided. This young man lost his sight at the age of 12. He was blindsided literally but he finds a way to remain very positive with his life.

I was blindsided. Not in the physical since. I was caught off guard. My sister was not really going to die. How could she. She was the one who did everything right.
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Fighting the inevitable

Last night, I breathed in what felt like a thousand bees stinging me directly in the back of my throat. I was waken by a cough that scared me more than anything.
After I was awaken, I lay thinking. About a range of things. Things I want to change about my life. Things I want to fix. Things that I wish to give up on but don't have the heart to say it.

Many of these things I would talk over with my sister. She's not here. I have another sister and a brother but the I miss conversing with her the most.

So as I lay there thinking. I fought with the inevitable. The need to sleep.

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Closure, What is that shit?

Closure, its a falsehood, misstatements that people make because its the word that feels right for police to say and it feels right to the families who are trying to convince themselves that closure will be brought about by capturing a suspect.

Fuck closure. There is no closure. Ever. Sending some bastardized reject to prison DOES NOT CLOSE ANYTHING but the damn door to the jail cell.

What it does is bring us comfort in knowing that the loony fucker that committed the crime is locked up. The death penalty is easy. Its stupid if you ask me. Everybody has to die. But you can live to entire life never stepping foot inside a jail. The real torcher is being locked in a jail cell with only yourself. Your guilt. If a person doesn't have guilt. Then surely the demons will eat them alive.
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As the plane whisks by...

I pulled over into a Menards parking lot right off of the 80/294 parking lot because I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to vomit. Angst, anxiety-filled, utter depression could have summed up my feelings at the time but vomit is more relative. As I sat there trying to collect my thoughts and tears I looked up. There was a Delta airplane flying by. That was the moment I thought to myself long and hard about just how fast life is passing me by.
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SCARED TO SLEEP

Most nights, in the beginning I mean, I craved her, to dream of her, I mean. I would close my eyes, then I was off. Frolicking in a world unknown with my sister until I woke up to the sounds of a new day.

Last night was different. I fought back thought. I fought back tears. I fought back the movie that was about to play in my head of her. I couldn't last night. I wouldn't allow myself to suffer the agony of seeing her again. Only for her to go away from me AGAIN.


- For the love of my sister

RANSACKED

Her body RANSACKED by the EVIL and the insults of cancer....I clutch my tears with the force of my eyelids...she's gone...like poof...she was gone.





- For the love of my sister

She invades my mind

I woke myself up calling her name! She invades my mind.
I lost one of the loves of my life
My sister
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Secrets!

A lesson learned. Don't hold on to nobody's secret of you not prepared for the burden it could potentially out on you. I wish I didn't know!
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NOTE TO THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS!

RANDOM THOUGHT: I'm not the best, but I'm certainly not the worst! NEVER claimed to be an angel, so you can take me off of that pedestal! So, when you judge me, ask yourself what place do you hold in the category of the "human perfection"? I haven't met a person to date, that hasn't made a mistake, or doesn't have the potential of making one. How is it that you can find every single mistake I ever made, and point them carefully, while no-one ever knows all of the crap you've been up too! My advice to you is that you go find someone who wants be in your rotten company because you are not welcome here. So, take your misery, and go find some company. Another thing, what makes you so fucking "self-righteous"? - Michelle.
Personal Disclaimer: This is just a random thought, it has no relation to my family or other relationships. Just a random thought...Lol

Transitioned

My sister ended up passing that day...the day of my last post. Nothing has ever hurt me so bad, and I don't think nothing ever will. People keep saying, losing a sibling is worse than losing your parents....I don't know how true that is, but I can tell you this...This shit hurts to the 100th power!

Transition

My sister is dying. That's what the doctor told us. She has months to live they said. What the fuck! How can that be! She's not supposed to go. She not even ready to leave us! She told me. WHY! I need to hear her voice one more time. Please! I know that it's not real though. She may never come too!

I'm so disoriented now! What the fuck is happening! It's only been 3 weeks since they told us! Bastards knew it anyway! Fuckers!

NOPE. ALL THAT SWEARING DIDNT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER. I'M JUST SAD RIGHT NOW:(. I want my sister to be okay!

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Avoidance of Sleep

2:24 am...I can't sleep! I'm avoiding my dreams tonight. Thoughts of my sister. Her fight with cancer. No cure for cancer. Thoughts of my son. His fight with Autism. No cure for Autism. Thoughts of my mother. Her fight to Aid. No cure for CareGiver Burnout. The only way out of this all...Cancer, Autism, CareGiver Burnout...is that it has to stop. STOP. There needs to be relief. There needs to be a cure.




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No more privacy!

There is an application that allows you to find whomever you want for free. This disturbs


me because my ex has been trying to track me down for years. He's single now, and he's acting like a crazy person. He's asking questions about me. Plus, he wants to know where I am all of the time. This shit is scary!

I wish I could pack my bags and move away!


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Lake Michigan: Now that's a body of water

Summer in the city of Chicago is always buzzing with people who are riding bikes, fishing (if the Asian carp stay away), rollerblading, walking dogs, or simply strolling up and down the shoreline of Lake Michigan.

I've gone to Navy Pier many times to take boat tours on the Lake...the most enjoyable thing to do is stroll along LakeShore Trail.....When I find a comfortable bike seat...I'm gonna ride my bike!

I'd rather see than be seen!

Any one can get attention.... You don't have to be the finest woman on the block for someone to take notice!

Have you ever noticed that woman standing near the subway exit with the mumbling obscenities to herself while adjusting the pigeon feathers that sticking out hair. Or what about that poor little rich party girl, whose so drunk, she takes her thong underwear off to use it to hold her hair back while she vomits up the only thing she has in her stomach for the entire day-->LIQUOR.



I'm an introvert. I sometimes call myself, the "Anti-Social, Social-Butterfly". Don't get it twisted though, when I want attention I know how to get it;)

The Asernine Behavior of FaceBook Myrmidons

Over 4,000 followers. The majority of them women....these women, day after day follow a man who one day, professes his love for some unknown woman day after day, then in the next breath....he's turned into a misogynist! He is rude and disrespectful to many of his female friends!
No one says a word...
He calls women sluts, but he's the one with 14 kids....with 14 women.
He talks about how women should stay home and raise kids, but he's the grandaddy at 33.
He talks about who he helped in our old neighborhood but he was the drug dealer!

He even had a conversation/debate going about who had a crush on who in the old neighborhood. None of his followers mentioned his name, so he resulted in disreprecting the women..... Saddest part, all the females just sat back and let him disrespect female after female, and he didn't lose one follower!

How stupid do you have to be just to fit in? Damn Fools! Un-friend that fucker, let him drown in the big pot of stinking misery he's stewing in by himself! It's not worth his failed attempts at attention....

I NEED BACON!!!!

Forget the LETTUCE & TOMATO, I just want the bacon!

I NEED BACON!!!!
Okay...I love bacon! If I want to keep my figure, I need to lay off of the pork, but it keeps calling my name! I can eat it the entire day if I choose to, but I don't...four pieces is the max. Bacon is the best breakfast food.

The First 48 TV haiku

----->The first four-ty eight.

------->Will the po-lice solve the crime?

----->Find them. Lock them up!

Productivity! Bravo!

This morning I blogged about my insomnia. I wasn't able to get to sleep for some reason, so I ended up doing what I didn't think I would do and that was drink a half glass of merlot. It put me right out! I was so tired, I naturally assumed that I would be tired, but on the contrary, I wasn't. I had a very productive day!
I have a new hobby, it's not really that new, in fact, I've been interested in PHOTOGRAPHY for a very long time, but I don't have skills yet. I'm determined to learn. From time to time, I'll post my amateur shots.

Here's one-------> This shot is outside my home, on the first day of one of our Chicago winter storms! Nice huh?





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The Ramblings of an Insomniac!

Two days....two days in a row, I've been up all night because I can't sleep! I have so many things to do tomorrow, and I'm not gonna want to do anything if I'm sleepy! I have a list of things that I could be doing to help put me right to sleep:
1. Read a book
2. Wash a load of clothes
3. Drink a glass of merlot
4. Clean my room
5. Fold some clothes
6. Walk on the treadmill
7. Clean the laundry room
8. Pack up unused clothes
9. Play around with my new SLR
10. Count sheep

If you don't know yourself, then you can't expect anyone else to know who you are....with that said, I'm not doing none of the above! I know myself! Lol!

I'm gonna watch TV until it starts watching me! *then the noise will wake me again, then I'll turn it off*

Hey remember when TV turned off. After the Star-Spangled Banner, the TV went to that color striped screen with that deafning tone;) I'm getting old!

Inhibitions

Release my inhibitions, only if I could! At the least, hurry it up already! I'm starting a new business, but I'm terrified! I'm scared, not of failing, but of not doing my best!


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