Blindsided Too,

Watching a documentary called Blindsided. This young man lost his sight at the age of 12. He was blindsided literally but he finds a way to remain very positive with his life.

I was blindsided. Not in the physical since. I was caught off guard. My sister was not really going to die. How could she. She was the one who did everything right.
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Fighting the inevitable

Last night, I breathed in what felt like a thousand bees stinging me directly in the back of my throat. I was waken by a cough that scared me more than anything.
After I was awaken, I lay thinking. About a range of things. Things I want to change about my life. Things I want to fix. Things that I wish to give up on but don't have the heart to say it.

Many of these things I would talk over with my sister. She's not here. I have another sister and a brother but the I miss conversing with her the most.

So as I lay there thinking. I fought with the inevitable. The need to sleep.

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Closure, What is that shit?

Closure, its a falsehood, misstatements that people make because its the word that feels right for police to say and it feels right to the families who are trying to convince themselves that closure will be brought about by capturing a suspect.

Fuck closure. There is no closure. Ever. Sending some bastardized reject to prison DOES NOT CLOSE ANYTHING but the damn door to the jail cell.

What it does is bring us comfort in knowing that the loony fucker that committed the crime is locked up. The death penalty is easy. Its stupid if you ask me. Everybody has to die. But you can live to entire life never stepping foot inside a jail. The real torcher is being locked in a jail cell with only yourself. Your guilt. If a person doesn't have guilt. Then surely the demons will eat them alive.
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As the plane whisks by...

I pulled over into a Menards parking lot right off of the 80/294 parking lot because I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to vomit. Angst, anxiety-filled, utter depression could have summed up my feelings at the time but vomit is more relative. As I sat there trying to collect my thoughts and tears I looked up. There was a Delta airplane flying by. That was the moment I thought to myself long and hard about just how fast life is passing me by.
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SCARED TO SLEEP

Most nights, in the beginning I mean, I craved her, to dream of her, I mean. I would close my eyes, then I was off. Frolicking in a world unknown with my sister until I woke up to the sounds of a new day.

Last night was different. I fought back thought. I fought back tears. I fought back the movie that was about to play in my head of her. I couldn't last night. I wouldn't allow myself to suffer the agony of seeing her again. Only for her to go away from me AGAIN.


- For the love of my sister

RANSACKED

Her body RANSACKED by the EVIL and the insults of cancer....I clutch my tears with the force of my eyelids...she's gone...like poof...she was gone.





- For the love of my sister